Sunday, May 30, 2010

Clean up

We thought we were going to have guests last night that would want to visit with us outside, so "we" (I supervised/directed, Mark did all the work), cleaned up the patio where, two weeks ago, the ladder collapsed and my ankle was broken and dislocated. Due to lots of winds these past two months, the red blossoms from the euchalyptus bushes--those Mark was going to cut when he went up the ladder--had blown on the two tables, chairs and patio bricks. So, first, they were swept up, then the bricks were hosed down, then the chairs were scrubbed free of blossom and bird poop stains, then we put on a new tablecloth and bedding cover, then a few flowers-in-pots were moved around and then we called it quits for now.

We both agreed that the trauma of the accident had prevented us from paying other than cursury attention to the "crime scene." By cleaning up the air, we also felt some of the trauma dietris (sp?) had also been swept away and we could do this, in part, because I do think that this week, the 6th week after surgery, my ankle is "turning the corner" toward healing. Although it still turns color when I it is hanging down, it doesn't turn color as fast, the area is more limited when it does turn color and it rebounds when raised more quickly. The stiffness area is declining and twinges seem to be aligned with where the swelling is, albeit slowly, lessening.

I shifted my home use of the walker to the one with two wheels, hoping it would generate less impact on my hands. I need to be aware of myself as I experience recovery because my instinct is to go fast and push it, and I need to hold myself back, restrain--at least until I see my doctor this week.

I don't feel inclined to push it outside of the house but to be open to going out to different places (we ate at Buddy's on Friday and that worked out fine) as I try to feel my way back to a more expanded world.

At the same time, I, like many in the U.S., maybe the world, could be riveted to watching the oil spill disaster videos that play constantly on the cable television. There's a different kind of clean up going on in the marshes, the sand beaches, the ocean surface and everyone there involved has, no doubt, been experiencing their own trauma and loss. An editorial in today's NY Times talks about how we/Americans expect everything to be "fixed" by technology and fixed fast. This is very true, I think. I know that when the first time I heard a doctor in ER tell me that recovery would take 6-8 weeks, I thought he was out of his mind. Somehow, I was going to make my recovery work fast and count on the doctors and surgery to "fix it." I still hope the surgery will make me whole again, but each day reminds me that recovery comes in incremental steps and that it is not linear--setbacks can happen, though I haven't, to my knowledge, experienced any yet with my ankle. But emotionally, I have had my ups and downs--the blog helps me identify where I am on this continuum and sometimes, it even helps me let go of some of the frustration and anger on "down" days.

Fortunately, today isn't a down day--the clean up on the patio brightens the outside space and demonstrates that, when we are ready, some elements of life's messiness can be swept away. Other elements remain (my ankle scars are the obvious clues), but every day offers moments of healing. I hope the residents of the Gulf Coast can find solace, somehow, also, in the acts of picking up tar balls, wiping oil off the wings of the brown pelicans, hauling in a net full of shrimp that are not yet (and maybe will not be) soaked in black oil.

1 comment:

Prettypics123 said...

Nice relationship between recovery of your body and the Gulf.