Coming Clean

I have several continuing challenges with recovery--

1. Finding some kind of walker pads that help the palms of my hands from suffering. This is a big issue--it severely limits where I can walk when I leave the house. We have tried several online products which continue to "flatten" after a few days' use. Mark came up with idea of buying bicycle gloves that have gell in them so we will go to a bike shop today and give that a try. The gell pads we have found need to be "slipped" onto the walker which means taking it apart which is a pain. I almost cried today when the last (failed) product came in the mail. Something so simple seems to be so hard.

2. Taking a shower/bath when I want to. I still rely on Mark and I am worried about three weeks from now when he is on a trip. The dog and security alarm system and good neighbors take care of the "home alone" syndrome but the basic care stuff is still outside of my one-legged reach. Monday I was so pissed because I had to rush through my shower/bath but today was a lengthy one. I trade off the swim today for the shower but it's okay.

3. Sleeping beyond 5-6 hours. No matter what time I go to sleep (last night was later because Mark was at a dinner at the BioSphere), I wake up around 5 because sleeping on my back time has expired: my leg aches as does my neck. I can roll over to my left side for about another hour of dozing time, but then I am up before 7 a.m. I cannot sleep at all on my right side. I do take a nap sometimes and will today but I am getting tired of waking already tired.

4. Resentments are starting to build up about the lack of tidiness in my house: Mark folds towels differently than I do and mix and matches them in the two closets. He uses/puts out wash clothes for hand towels. He has the "habit" of stocking the pantry and refrig with the minimalist method, so we run out of basics. Dust bunnies and fallen bits of food are beginning to sprout under the couch which is filthy from the dog being on it. The floor only gets "swept" once a week and it's not a sweeping but a swiffing (with the Swiffer) which pushes dust and dirt into the concrete block crevices, but does not remove them. I haven't seen my sister since I got home from the hospital and the only reason I have spoken with her since is to ask for her help when Dad was in the hospital. My work "team" doesn't call at all. My support group members haven't been supportive. If it weren't for my two friends (and a couple of others who at least call or email), Susan and Rita, I would be out here on my own. That sucks.

5. I have four weeks, probably more, to go with this recovery. I feel angry, lonely and tired. The time with the schoolkids is over until September so I need to find/create some joyful opportunities each day. But I am stuck today--and that's the way it is.