feelings

Tears are still falling when I am in a safe place for them to surface. Yesterday, at my massage, my masseuse laid her hands on my lower back and somehow heat from my body transferred into hers and my internal organs relaxed and I started to cry. I am holding a lot inside, not intentionally being a stoic, but just trying to focus on what I can do. But what I cannot do is overwhelming at times.

I didn't sleep well again, but I did dream and, again, I dreamed I was walking on two feet. My husband got caught up on the drama of Wall Street's 1000 point drop but I pay attention to the millimeter motion improvement of my ankle. I still feel light numbness and, when I move the ankle toward my body, a stiffness underneath the ankle--I don't know if that's muscle inertia, ligaments or the screws settling into the tissue. I will ask the doctor on Monday.

I did my best to get consulting work done and got criticized by peers for not doing it perfectly. That hurt me, too. But I didn't get caught up yesterday with that b.s. and let it go. Today, tho, I expressed myself, went on record for my perspective and now will let that go--again. I am also taking a step back from this work and opening up to other funded work with university colleagues and emerging work with a young professional colleague.

It's so interesting to me about who of my friends is really stepping up to help. One friend even offered to come over and wash dishes. Well, Mark is handling most of the daily stuff and I am ignoring how my household system has been usurped. My sister is AWOL which is consistent with how she had treated my mom and is now treating dad, so I don't take it personally. I just note it and acknowledge I don't understand. Another friend who is dealing with chemotherapy has offered to take me swimming. So many lessons of relationships at this time.

I hope I come out of this with more compassion for those who are temporarily or permanently disabled. Maybe I will find some way to give back. In the meantime, I will keep trying to stay open to my feelings of grief, loss and change.